Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
