It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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