According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
