Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
