Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
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