Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You are a genius and a whore.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
