I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
