shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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