Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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