My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
