that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
