I am in a vortex of obligation.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
