Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
