what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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