I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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