Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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