If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
