FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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