She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
