i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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