And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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