I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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