My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
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You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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