then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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