The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All I want is dick and wine.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
