Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
