The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
