Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
