Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
