textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
soo... how was my night?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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