do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
