I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize