It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
pop tarts are not kleenex
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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