i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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