So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
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They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.