I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.