Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
