I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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