i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
