never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Randomize
