puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
