haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
