Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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