My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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