Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
