Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
