I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
