I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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