Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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