um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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You threw up with your ski mask on still.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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