I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
handjob tips. give me some.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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