Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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