I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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