I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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