maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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