I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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