please come you make the beer taste better
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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